Roethlisberger Suspended, Rape Claims to Soon Skyrocket.

Pittsburgh Steelers QB/Kobe Bryant impersonator Ben Roethlisberger was suspended today by the NFL for anywhere between 4-6 games, with the opinion heavily leaning toward the 6 game side.

For those of you who haven’t heard about Roethlisberger’s extra curricular activities, here’s a short run down:

Goes to a college town in Georgia.  Goes bar hopping in college town in Georgia.  Gets super drunk in college town in Georgia.  Sees semi attractive girl who may or may not be good-looking.  Decides to drink more.  Semi attractive girl who may or may not be good-looking suddenly becomes Pam Anderson before Hepatitis.  Decides to drink more.  Convinced now that Pre-Hep Pam look-alike is down with unwanted sexual advances.  Decides to drink more.  Decides that Pre-Hep Pam is not only down with unwanted sexual advances, she is now down with unwanted bathroom sex.  Decides to drink more.  Takes penis out of pants, points it at her like wand in Harry Potter movies.  Before drinking more, says some sort of spell he learned while at Hogwartz.  Drinks more.  Tells Pre-Hep Pam that she looks like she is “down to fuck”.  Ignores her response.  Drinks more.  Shows her that the ”Big Ben” nickname is in no way related to the size of certain male body part, and strictly the clock in England.  Drinks more.  Attempts to take out condom, only to realize it is, in fact, a coupon for a free small slush at Sonic.  Decides to use it anyway.  Drinks more.  Pre-Hep Pam is so ashamed that her lady parts were victim to paper cuts and extremely pre-mature ejaculation that she runs out of bathroom.  Roethlisberger’s bodyguards make sure to tell Pre-Hep Pam’s friends that “nothing happened”.  Well, yeah, nothing; save the unwanted sexual intercourse, or, as it were, outercourse, with a drive in restaurant’s free drink coupon.  Pre-Hep Pam runs to first Police Officer she finds.  Officer calls her “an annoying bitch”.  Officer seeks out Roethlisberger.  Officer asks Ben for picture.  Officer and Ben take picture.  Ben offers a bribe of a free small slush coupon to Sonic if the officer doesn’t press charges.  Officer accepts bribe.  Officer immediately regrets decision.  Officer reaches for hand sanitizer.  Roethlisberger and entourage escape to hotel.  Ben decides to drink more.  Ben makes booty call to Front Desk of hotel.  Front Desk sends up extra pillows and blankets.  Ben drinks more.  Pillows and blankets are sitting there, minding their own business when Ben takes out his penis, again.  Pillows are now rocking back and forth in the corner, clutching their knees.  Blankets begin to cry and blame themselves for leading Ben on.  Ben passes out from rape exhaustion.  Sleep walks to mini-bar.  Drinks more.

And now we’re here.  NFL commissioner Roger Goodell threw the hammer down on Big Ben and he’ll likely be out until the Steeler’s 7th game of the season.  Which is both hilarious and appropriate for someone with Roethlisberger’s track record.  I just hope the Seahawks don’t wind up trading for him.  You know, for the sake of all the co-eds in the U-District.

Then again, I’ve never met a girl from UW that said no to sex, let alone with a professional athlete.

The team most prominently mentioned when speculating about who will trade for Ben is unsurprisingly the Oakland Raiders.  Which brings us to our tweet o’ the day:

And on that note, have a good Hump Day, everyone.  Just be thankful you’re not spending it with Big Ben.