Top 5 Video Games Ever. (Kinda)

Let me preface this with the fact that I didn’t include any games on Nintendo, Nintendo 64, Super Nintendo, Sega, or any other console.  For the purposes of this post, I’m only focusing on Xbox360.  So when you don’t see games like MarioKart 64, GoldenEye, Street Fighter 2, Super Mario Brothers, Sonic the Hedgehog, or even the immortal Duck Tales for NES, don’t get your panties in a twist.  I’m not saying they aren’t great games, I’m just choosing to go with an up-to-date version that includes basically only game within the last 5 years.

We’ll do this in reverse order, just to build up the suspense.  I’ll have an Honorable Mention at the end to show you the games that got snubbed, for one reason or another, but were still pretty damn close.  Onward!

5.) Gears of War 2

First off, big shout out to Mikey for getting me this game for Christmas. He was working for Microsoft at the time, so he got it at cost (which was about $20 instead of the normal $60). So while it’s not like he went out of his way, he still bought me one of the best games I’ve ever played.

I never actually played the original Gears of War (even though I owned it), so I kept putting off playing #2. For roughly 3½ months, it sat there, collecting dust. Then, after hearing how awesome it was constantly from former co-worker/genius Rob, I decided to give it a go.

Holy testicle Tuesday. This game blew my friggin’ mind. I had general knowledge of the back-story, but no extensive details. That didn’t really seem to matter, as they gave you a sort of refresher on how things were going. I won’t get into massive details for all 5 games, because this post is going to be huge as is, but let me set the stage a little for those of you who aren’t aware:

You are Marcus Fenix, and you have an awesome sole patch. Your bff is Dom Santiago, and he’s a huge black/hispanic guy. You are soldiers for COG (Coalition of Ordered Governments) and you’re attempting to save the planet Sera from an alien race of bug-type creatures called the Locust. They are really ugly and sometimes scary looking, and I’m pretty sure Marcus and Dom are racist towards them. I mean, I don’t want to cause any trouble with COG’s PR department, but I’m pretty sure there were racial slurs tossed around when talking about the Locust.

The game’s signature weapon is called the Lancer. It’s basically a machine gun with a chainsaw attached to it — yes, a chainsaw. And good lord, it’s awesome. When you’re low on ammo or just in a good mood, cutting your victims in half is much, much cooler than shooting them from behind a concrete barricade. Blood gets all over the screen, and Kelly usually has some quip about how gross it is.

All-in-all, this game was absolutely ridiculous, and I loved every minute of it. It got pretty hard on some missions, so if you don’t want to pull your hair out or break a controller, I’d suggest playing it in moderate doses. I had a really hard time putting it as #5, and I think the next game on the list could probably be swapped with this and you wouldn’t have a problem.

Overall Grade: 9.5 out of 10

4.) Grand Theft Auto 4

I’m pretty sure that this game should have been #5 on the list, but seeing as how this is the most recent game I’ve played, it’s fresh in my memory. So no slight to GoW2, but GTA4 gets the nod in the #4 slot.

At the time of its release, Grand Theft Auto 4 was the most expensive video game ever made. Having cost $100 million to make, some people were wondering if spending that much time and money on a video game would be worth it. Eventually, GTA4 became the best-selling video game of all time, surpassing $500 million in sales. Recently, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 surpassed it, but considering MW2 was perhaps the most anticipated game in history, I think it’s ok.

You play as Niko Bellic, an immigrant from an unspecified Eastern European country, here to live with your cousin Roman. Liberty City is the setting this time, and it is basically an exact replica of New York City. The open-world atmosphere is mind-boggling, as you can go into tons of buildings and steal any vehicle you choose. I’ve literally driven a forklift around the airport and then stolen one of the cop cars that were chasing after me. I’ve driven a scooter, a semi-truck, a dump truck, a garbage truck, and an ice cream truck. My car of choice would have to be the “Turismo”, which is their version of a Ferrari 360 Modena, which also happens to be my favorite car in the history of Jesus. It’s really fucking fast and super hard to handle, especially when you’re weaving in and out of New Yo…err, Liberty City traffic. Also, is it bad that whenever I see someone riding a motorcycle, I MUST RUN THEM OVER? Like, not just knock them off their bike, but back up, gain speed, and send them flying into on-coming traffic style knock them over. I’ve actually stopped a timed mission, reversed course, and smashed a guy on a scooter into a brick wall. I ended up failing the mission because I took too much time, and I do not regret it by any stretch of the imagination.

You wind up stealing, killing, and doing whatever you have to for money. You work for the mob most of the time, but for different families. You’re basically a hired gun, and you can do whatever the fuck you want. Including prostitutes. Yes, you can pick up hookers. When doing so, it will allow you to “cycle through the services”. A HJ is $20, a BJ is $50, and if you want what Pam Anderson has, it’s $100 for a quick ride in the park, if you catch my drift. The good news, however, is you can pay her the $50 for some quick dome, get out of the car, shoot her, and collect 10 times that amount in the money she drops after you’ve killed her. Killing hookers is ok, because they’re already dead inside.

You can also go to strip clubs, which is awkward. I’ve never gotten a boner from a video game, but hey, we’re all friends here. You can also go to the comedy club where Katt Williams and Ricky Gervais have lended their voices and likenesses to GTA and they do a roughly 2 minute set. It’s pretty good stuff, actually.

Overall, GTA4 is phenomenal. You can do just about anything you want, including pool, darts, bowling, and even playing an arcade style video game. There are so many things to do and endless ways to make or steal money that you shouldn’t be bored anytime soon.

Overall Grade: 9.5 out of 10

3.) Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare

Do you remember how GoldenEye revolutionized multiplayer first person shooter games on N64? Yeah. That’s what this game did for online multiplayer via Xbox Live. I can honestly say that this game was the best I’ve ever played online. Way better than Halo, for those Halo geeks out there. Also, the “Halo Jump” is gay, and you’re gay for attempting to use it in this game.

The single player campaign mode is awesome as well. You’re actually two different soldiers — one American with the Marines, the other British with the SAS. The two characters intertwine and eventually one dies, leaving you to focus on one solely. You have to stop some “ultra-nationalists” from Russia from attempting to use nuclear weapons on the US and other parts of the world. One level actually takes place in Prypiat, Ukraine, home of the infamous nuclear meltdown in 1986. This game has everything you could want in a first-person shooter, and the online experience kicks it up to a whole new level of awesome.

I beat the game relatively quickly, but when I lived in Virginia, Don and I would literally play this online until 6am. He had his Xbox hooked up in the living room, I had mine in my bedroom, and we’d leave my door open so we could still talk to each other if one died and had to sit out. Yes, we were huge nerds. I’m totally fine with that.

This game changed the way other games format themselves and for the first time, other companies began focusing on the online gaming portion, rather than just adding it in to appease a select few. Groundbreaking, trendsetting, etc etc.

Overall, I loved this game and its inevitable sequel. But I have to give credit to the original, as it laid the groundwork for everything the 2nd game was, as well as many of the first person shooters since.

Overall Grade: 9.75 out of 10

2.) Assassin’s Creed 2

I already went super in-depth in this review, so if you want to read details, go there.

I’ve attained all 1000 Achievement Points and done every activity in the game, garnering 100% completion. Yet, I still bought it after the fact. I love this game. Absolutely love it. The 2nd time around is even better because I know what to expect. And oddly enough, every day for the last month or so, someone has searched for the term “niente è vero. tutto è permesso.” I roughly translated the game’s signature phrase into Italian. “Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.”

I actually used that phrase in my final paper for Social Inequality. I was writing about unfair discrimination and how in a world where perception is everything, that nothing was true, therefore, everything is permitted. I don’t have the exact quote, as the paper is saved on my other computer, but my Sociology teacher ate that shit up.

I’ve literally taken knitting needles and put them up my sleeves and pretended to be Ezio. And in no way am I ashamed about this. Kelly pretended that I wasn’t her boyfriend anymore, Sarah stared blankly in astonishment and confusion, and Brad giggled in approval. Requiescat in pace.

The only problems I had with the game was the sheer frustration from the free-running and the ridiculously difficult Subject 16 memories you had to decode. Other than that, this game is as close to perfect as you can get. I would highly, highly recommend it to anyone in search of a new game. I originally gave this game a 9.5, but after thinking about it more and playing it again, I must bump the score up.

Overall Grade: 9.9 out of 10

1.) Batman: Arkham Asylum

I also already wrote about this game in ridiculous detail, so for that, you can go here.

I have been telling anyone and everyone how ridiculously ridiculous and amazingly amazing this game is.  You’re not just playing a video game with Batman as the hero; you ARE Batman.  It’s really difficult to understand that unless you have played it, and reading it makes me sound like a crazy person, but I don’t care.  I love this game that much.

Ruther posted a link to Arkham Asylum 2, which is due out sometime next year.  I crapped my pants and got a boner at the same time, which is, yeah, weird.  And messy.  I digress.

This game is everything that The Dark Knight was.  This has nothing to do with the aforementioned movie, but it has all of the same dark, twisted, heavy feeling, tense moments.  To put it in TNT basketball analyst Kenny “The Jet” Smith terms, this game is so sick it has the flu.

I don’t really need to gush anymore, because I already made a really bold statement in the first paragraph of my initial review, and I’m sticking to that.  Batman: Arkham Asylum is the best video game I’ve ever played.

Overall Grade: 10 out of 10

Now is time for those “Honorable Mention” video games.  The ones just outside the Top 5 that were still really awesome, just not Top 5 awesome.

- NCAA Football 2010
The only reason this isn’t in the Top 5 is because it’s not really a new game. It has a newer version each year, and like sports games in general, it’s awesome but repetitive. I loved this game and can’t wait for NCAA ’11, but there won’t be any ridiculous, wild changes. Just updated rosters basically. I’m cool with that, though.

- Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010
Samesies. I love this game and play it a lot, but it’s basically the same game every year. So while in no way is that a bad thing, it’s hard for me to judge these types of games against ones that are in the Top 5. I’m hoping Tiger Woods 2011 has a “transgressions” mode where you can pick the porn star you cheat on Elin with.

- Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
I actually might enjoy this game more than the first, but considering how groundbreaking the first one was, I felt I needed to pay homage. You can read a well thought out review here, or Don’s ridiculously hateful opinion here. Don also likes men, so take that with a grain of salt.

- Gears of War
The original was awesome and I’m in the process of playing it again, but I just felt like GoW2 was better and much improved. I watched a trailer for Gears of War 3, which is due out April of 2011, and I have to apologize to Kelly before hand. You won’t have a conversation with me until about a week after the game comes out. No worries though, we can still have sex. As long as I can still play during.

- Halo 3
While I’m not obsessed with the Halo franchise like most Halo players, I don’t hate it, either. It’s kinda weird, actually. For the most part, people are divided. They either love and worship Halo, or they hate it and can’t stand it. I see both sides of the argument, but I still own it and have beaten it. Halo 1 & 2 were pretty cool too. While I can’t put it in my Top 5 of all time, I can’t completely leave it unmentioned.

- X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Ok, ok. So this game is a lot of button mashing and probably has one of the worst plots a video game can have. But oh my god, I had so much fun playing it. It keeps track of how many guys you’ve decapitated, and Wolverine is one of the best comic book characters ever. So, yeah. Kind of ashamed to admit I love this game so much, but it’s a ridiculously guilty pleasure.

That’s it, folks.  This post took me about 3 hours to complete, so you’d better read the entire thing instead of just skimming through (Bradley).  I expect a lot of comments, as well.