Week long sabbatical.

Yes, dear readers, I must apologize in advance.  KyleRancourt.com will not be updated until May 9th at the earliest.  I realize KR.com is where you come first for all of your Fantasy Sports, Mariners, Seahawks, Cougars, and other sport related news, as well as Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson’s breakup coverage.

Alas, the GF and I are headed to Jamaica.  Ocho Rios to be specific.  We leave tomorrow night and fly out to Charlotte.  Then we catch the connecting flight to Paradise.  We stay at a Sandals, which is all-inclusive.  Everything is free.  Yes, booze too.  They have a swim up bar in their giant pool, and you can guess where this guy will be for a majority of the time…

So while I’ll miss all of you, I won’t actually miss any of you.  I’ll be far too drunk to realize that I’m in a different country.  I just hope I come back looking better than this:

Peace out, America.  Jamaica, here we come.

Fantasy Friday.

CURRENT STANDINGS:

1.) Kyle (obviously.)
2.) Geoff (inexplicably)
3.) Lotz
4.) Pat the Rock
5.) Don (huh?)
6.) Mikey
7.) Ruther

Geoff and Don both move up a spot, while Ruther now dwells in the cellar. Kyle still in the lead thanks to Big Time Timmy Jim.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK THAT’S NOT ON MY TEAM:

Kelly Johnson, 2B, Arizona Diamondbacks (Team Mikey/Waiver Wire/Team Don)

Proving once again that he is one of the worst managers in our league’s history, Mikey has gold in waiver wire pick up Kelly Johnson. He drops Johnson and over his next 2 games, he is 5-10 with 2 HRs, and 5 RBI. Way to go, mang. Classic Mike D’Angelo right there. If I didn’t have Chase Utley, I’d have picked him up in a heartbeat. I almost did, just on principle. Arch-rival Don swoops in and says yoinks.

PLAYER OF THE WEEK THAT IS ON MY TEAM:

Paul Konerko, 1B, Chicago White Sox

I picked him up mid-week, so I can’t really say he’s been on my team this whole time. My team has been falling apart offensively thanks to my inability to select players from different teams. I have 3 Atlanta Braves, 3 Philadelphia Phillies, and 3 Tampa Bay Rays. It sucks having to bench BJ Upton, but I can’t play Carl Crawford, Carlos Pena, and BJ Upton every day. Plus, Michael Bourn is killing it. So, there’s hope. Plus I just got Verlander for free! Thanks for dropping him after one bad start, Jason.

Konerko’s week:
.421, 5 HRs, 8 RBI, 5 runs, 4 BB

JASON HEYWARD UPDATE:

Past week — .158, 1 HR, 1 RBI, 1 run scored, 3 BB
Season to date — .239, 5 HR, 17 RBI, 9 runs scored, 13 BB

Horrible, horrible week for Jason the Destroyer. Perhaps I’ve put too much pressure on him? All I know is that he was slumping so badly that I actually sat him. I didn’t even play anyone over him. I just sat him. Of course, we all know what happened then. Yep, he hit his lone home run of the week. Figures. Perhaps he just wanted everyone else to feel good about themselves? I mean, he was hogging the spotlight for a while. Maybe he wanted to share? The Braves have lost 9 games in a row, and to put it on a 20-year-old rookie would be ridiculous. But I kinda feel like as Heyward goes, the Braves go. Sorry, Robbie.

DAYS UNTIL THE WWF BELT IS MINE AGAIN FOR THE 5th CONSECUTIVE TIME:

156

Sorry guys, no Fantasy Friday update next week.  I’ll be sipping some fruity drink with an umbrella in it while sitting on a bar stool at the swim up bar in Jamaica.  And yes, I just said I’d be drinking something fruity.  Make fun of me all you want, I think it’s perfectly acceptable to drink girly drinks whilst vacationing in paradise.  I hope it rains when we’re gone.

“The League” is effing amazing.

As you all know, I’m mildly obsessed with Fantasy Sports.  FX has a show called “The League” which centers around a group of buddies who play Fantasy Football together.  While Fantasy Football is my least favorite of the three major sports, the league participants are pretty spot on.  Their mannerisms towards each other, as well as the immature and childish way they make fun of each other and gloat is like someone documented our league.  Let’s go over the cast of characters:

Pete is not only the league’s reigning champion, he has won the past three years in a row. So obviously, Pete is me in this scenario. So many similarities that it’s eerie. Here’s everything we have in common:

- Multiple championships in a row.
- Everyone in the league wants him to lose.
- When he eventually loses, everyone is ecstatic, even if they themselves don’t win.
- Sleeps with championship trophy.
- Brags about championship constantly to the behest of the league.
- Has sex tape of himself and significant other hidden in Benjamin Button DVD case.

Then there’s Taco. Taco is a combination of multiple personalities, actually. He’s a stoner who likes to rap and never checks his team. He also inexplicably gets chicks. He’s Bellingham Mikey (stoner/rapper), Bellingham Kyle (chicks dig him for some unknown reason), and Josh (never checks his team/general idiot). Also, his name is Taco. TACO!

My favorite Taco quote:  “I just had sex in a Prius.  You know why I love having sex in a Prius?  You’re having sex AND helping the environment.”

Then there’s Ruxin. Ruxin is basically Don. He talks and talks and talks, but is always finding excuses for why he never wins. When Pete loses in the championship, he is jumping for joy. He was eliminated from the playoffs, but just to see the champion fall, he counts it as a victory in and of itself.

Andre is easily Geoff. He thinks he’s the coolest guy in the league and everyone makes fun of him constantly. He desperately wants to be in with everyone, but the majority of the time, they’re making fun of his gayness. Also, each year, he has the worst draft, always drafting someone who has retired.

“Has anyone picked Keyshawn Johnson?”
(blank stares and silence)

“…You know, I’m sure he’s been picked.”
“How has he not been picked yet?”
“I don’t know how he hasn’t.”

“Keyshawn. On the board. Now.”

“Should we tell him?”
“Keyshawn Johnson retired like, 3 years ago. Yearly Andre draft mistake.”

“No, no, I meant Chad Johnson.”

“Ocho Cinco?”

And the pain continues. It’s just so magical and Geoff-like that I don’t know what to do with myself.

Go to Hulu and watch The League. It’s free. There are only 6 episodes. It’s fucking hilarious.