The End of an Era. Blog Occurs in Real Time.

Immediately after Monday’s 2 hour series finale of 24, I fervidly pounded out a few hundred words on the massive disappointment I felt.  A few paragraphs into my completely unbiased, irrational review, I realized that I needed more time.  24 was less a show, and more an event to experience.  I was blinded by season 8′s unimaginative, uninspired writing.  Instead of feeling satisfied at the way things ended, or even melancholy, I felt nothing.  This wasn’t some huge event that tied up loose ends and made me appreciate the previous seasons.  It played out like a lame, predictable season finale, where we knew the protagonist would return next Fall.

Instead of subjecting you all to rants and ramblings that resemble the above paragraph, I allowed for everything to completely sink in.  Before I could give an honest, objective opinion, I needed to allow my displeasure to subside and rationality to take over.  With that, here…we…go…

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Fringe is Crazy Good.

See what I did there?

Anyways.  The Season 2 finale was this past Thursday, and I must say, I’m hooked.  When I first heard about Fringe, I didn’t want anything to do with it.  It looked like an updated version of X-Files, and I thought X-Files sucked.  Then I started dating Kelly, and she had it set to record on her DVR.  Brad & Sarah also enjoyed the show, often talking with Kelly about its awesomeness.  I sat there, uninterested and staring off into space.

Then Season 2 rolled around, and being the good boyfriend that I am, I indulged Kelly.  The show actually wasn’t half bad.  I mean, I didn’t understand what the hell was going on, but it had Anna Torv and Charlie from the Mighty Ducks, so I kept watching.

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Wow.

Ok, ok.  I realize this is my 2nd post in a row about this game.  But seriously.  I reviewed it and gave it a 9 based on like 6 or 7 hours of gameplay.  Usually that’s enough, but simply beating all the story missions in this game will take 20+ hours.  Doing all of the side missions and obtaining 100% completion?  That’ll take literally 100+ hours.  I’ve crossed the border into Mexico, and the game is starting to blow my mind.  Perhaps literally.

I’m writing about this game again for two reasons:

1.) I recently obtained the greatest achievement in the history of Xbox 360.
2.) It’s my fucking blog, so I’ll write about whatever I want. Dammit.

Have you ever watched a movie, read a book, seen a TV show, or done anything that was so amazing you just had to tell someone?  Yeah, this game did that to me.  To quote Bryan Holt, “[T]here are certain moments when I see something and think ‘Damn, I need to tell somebody about that.’ This was one of those moments,”

A lot of games have “Secret” Achievements.  Meaning that you don’t know what they are until you do them in-game.  Most of the time, they’re just completing story missions.  The game doesn’t want to give away the title of a certain mission or whatever, but it’ll unlock as you progress through the game.  Other times, the achievement is so random or difficult to do that they want it to be a surprise.

This morning, I unlocked perhaps the greatest achievement in the history of Jesus.

(Click on the image for a larger picture)

So, wait.  The ultimate Western cliché is to rescue a hogtied woman from the train tracks.  And you’re telling me I have to do the opposite?  Oh. My. God. I saw this achievement online and made it my mission to unlock it.  It wasn’t easy, as there’s only one train, and it never stays at one station very long.  But I’m a persistent son of a bitch, and unlock it I did.

(This isn’t me, by the way)

So I may have to rethink my original rating.  I’ve done a lot of shit since I posted that review yesterday, and I literally cannot stop thinking or talking about the game.  I had a dream about it last night, and I’m starting to talk with a southern accent.  This game is completely consuming my life, and I’m perfectly fine with it.

New Rating:  9.75 out of 10.

Red Dead Redemption.

This game came out Tuesday and people are already claiming it’s a lock for Game of the Year.  I’ve never really been a big fan of Westerns in general, so I was cautiously optimistic when I heard such rave reviews.  I’m here to tell you, however, that it deserves all the hype it’s getting.  Simply put:  Red Dead Redemption is fucking awesome.

First, if you’ve read my blog for any amount of time, you realize that I loved Grand Theft Auto 4.  It was a great, great game.  Even if you didn’t love it as much as I did, the sheer amount of time spent playing GTA4 made it worth the $60.  Since RDR was made by the same people, it’s basically a better version of GTA set in the Wild West during 1911.  Wait, what?  Um, yes please.

The premise of Westerns always intrigued me, but the pacing was just too slow.  I mean, you get a six-shooter, you drink a lot, you gamble, you get with whores, and you never shave.  It sounds pretty sweet to me.  But I just haven’t really seen any Western that didn’t make me want to fall asleep.  (Editor’s Note: the remake of 3:10 to Yuma with Christian Bale and Russell Crowe was awesome.)

You are John Marston, a former outlaw/bank robber who is sent on a mission to kill his former gang members by the US Government.  If he fails to comply, they will kill his wife and son.  So basically, you start off already being a badass, and you just add to it with every task you complete.

The storyline isn’t overly complicated.  Very reminiscent of GTA, actually.  The protagonist is attempting to start a new life in order to escape past troubles, but the old life simply won’t let him go.  It’s not terribly original, but it’s not contrived or lacking, either.

The first thing you notice is the sheer detail put into this game.  I think it’s probably the most visually stunning game I’ve ever played.  I loved Assassin’s Creed 2 (love love loved it), and I thought one of its selling points was the ridiculous visuals.  Somehow, someway, Rockstar makes the Wild West look more amazing than Renaissance Italy.

You do whatever you can for money; killing animals for their meat and skin, cheating at poker, playing dice or blackjack, robbing banks, or simply looting a dead body after you’ve killed the victim.  A few hundred bucks goes a long ways in the early 1900s.  Killing animals is probably the easiest and most enjoyable way to get money, and I feel kind of dirty saying that.  But once you shoot a deer or coyote, you simply walk up to the carcass and press a button to skin the animal.  A short cut-scene shows you hunched over, pulling out a huge knife.  Then, as you stab the animal and remove the fur, blood splatters all over the screen.  He’ll usually have some snide comment or quip like, “Boy, what have you been eating?” or “Yeah, this’ll fetch me a nice prize”.  All are pretty lame but still enjoyable since YOU’RE CUTTING OPEN AN ANIMAL AND REMOVING ITS SKIN.  You can sell both the meat and fur at the local General Store.

I think my favorite part of the game so far has to be the “Dead Eye” feature.  Once your Dead Eye Meter is full, you can push the Right Stick down, and the screen turns orange.  Everything turns super slow-mo, very Matrix style.  You can take on an entire 10 person gang with this, and during Dead Eye, get 10 head shots.  It’s ridiculous.

I just got it yesterday, and I think I’ll end up buying it.  Since it was all gone everywhere close, we had to go all the way to Mountlake Terrace to rent the fucker (about 30 minutes away).  It was totally worth it.  I’ve literally been playing all day, only stopping to shower, eat, and get on here to write this review.

Overall, I really enjoy this game.  While I don’t know if it deserves the 9.7 out of 10 IGN gave it, or the 9.75 GameInformer gave it, I’ve only completed 22.3% of the game.  I’m sure I won’t stop playing until Monday when I have to return it, and I feel like I’ll end up loving it even more.  But for now, my rating still ain’t bad.

9 out of 10.

Videos to get you through the day.

Courtesy of Jon Lajoie.  One funny, weird motherfucker.  Enjoy.

(Warning:  NSFW.  You will laugh really loudly at the inappropriateness of the following videos, so make sure the boss ain’t within earshot.)

I can’t decide if my favorite is the Michael Jackson one or the 2 Girls 1 Cup one.  I lost my shit at the “semi digested shit into each other’s mouth”.  I almost dropped my laptop.  Jon Lajoie is amazing and just another reason for you to go watch “The League” on Hulu.

Heroes Cancelled Midseason.

In a stunning move, NBC has cancelled its mega-super hit action/drama/comedy/horror/thriller/suspense/romance, Heroes.  Creator Tim Kring had this to say to the Associated Press:

“We had a good run.  I mean, we introduced the world to Hayden Panettiere, Zachary Quinto, and Kristen Bell.  Now people know that Hayden will be the next Hollywood starlet to release a sex tape after she gets out of rehab.  And honestly, I think people are grateful for having watched her grow up in front of their eyes, much like the Olsen Twins.  And Zachary Quinto?  I mean, sheesh.  He’s Spock!  Did you see that Star Trek movie?  I mean, c’mon.  He was awesome.  Who knew he was down with the swirl?  Anyone that can get a hot latina chick who looks like she’s actually black and not hispanic is awesome.  Then there’s Kristen Bell.  She was on Veronica Mars, which sounds like a feminine product or a sexy candy bar.  Either way, this series has led to such blockbusters as Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Couples Retreat.  She’s totally hot, and perhaps after her career lands on UPN or the WB, she’ll follow Hayden’s footsteps and release a sex tape of her own.  Honestly, I just think it was time to go.  I know people are mad they cancelled us midseason, and we couldn’t quite wrap up every storyline, but it’s probably for the best.  I mean, I haven’t really put any thought into this show since the 3rd season.  I was basically winging it every week.  I had a rough outline for the series finale that I wrote on a cocktail napkin while at the Holiday Inn’s bar.  So, really, it’s a big relief to me.  I hope you all enjoyed this show as much as I enjoyed staring at Hayden while she slept.”

That’s pretty powerful stuff right there.  I can’t really understand why they’d shut it down midseason, but I guess it cost a lot of money to make and the ratings were lower than Wife Swap and The Cleveland Show.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence that Heroes was axed after a certain blogger told them to stop.

Let’s face it, people listen to Kyle Rancourt.  They take his opinions to heart, and they heed his advice.  I said Heroes fucking sucked, and they cancelled it.  I said 24 fucking sucks, and they cancelled it.  I said Dexter and Californication were amazing, and both get renewed.  I said The Hurt Locker was amazing, and it wins Best Picture.  I said my ex girlfriend is a huge slut, and then I found out she has Hepatits.  You can’t make this stuff up.  It’s like the stars have aligned and everything is as it should be.  I’m pretty sure the big wigs at ABC, NBC, FOX, HBO, Showtime, AMC, TNT, TBS, FX, Oxygen, Lifetime, and Kong 6-16 should all be calling me, asking my opinion.

When it comes to predicting the fate of others, 60% of the time, Kyle Rancourt is right 100% of the time.  It’s a gift and a curse, really.

Gears of War 3: Best Video Game Ever?

I already talked about my love for the first and second installments of Gears of War. The first one was groundbreaking and awesome, and the second took it to a completely new level. Gears 2 is one of the best video games I’ve ever played, and the way the game ended, it sort of seemed like that was it. I mean, Jacinto (the last human city) was destroyed. Marcus Fenix, the main character, destroyed it. He sunk Jacinto in order to flood the Locust and Lambent. He succeeded. Some Locust managed to get away, but by and large they were destroyed. I didn’t feel like they had any grounds for a new game.

I’m not disappointed or shocked at a 3rd game. Trilogies are always what people in the entertainment business strive for.  Epic Games made it very clear this is the final Gears game and will be wrapping up the storyline. Having said all of that, holy fucking balls. Watching the trailer is absolutely ridiculous and makes me realize that come April of 2011, my girlfriend is going to hate me. I mean, I’ll be here, but I won’t be here, if you know what I’m sayin’.

Just do yourself a favor and watch the awesomeness that is Gears of War 3.

Dom is dead inside, and has apparently stopped shaving.  At the 0:46 second mark, he closes his eyes, as if accepting his fate.  Enter a sleeveless Marcus Fenix with a new double-barreled shotgun.  Cole and Baird are back, and the folks at Epic have decided to include a woman, making Anya a playable character.  In the past 2 games, the hot blonde just gave you orders via radio while looking at schematics.  Basically she was Chloe O’Brien.  But hot.  And not annoying.  And apparently not afraid to use a gun.  So, basically, exactly like Chloe, only completely different.  Yeah.

I think my favorite part is how they say “Brothers to The End” and then fade out the first two words, letting you know, this is it.  Not only the end of the trilogy, but perhaps, the end of civilization on the planet Sera.  Also, the song is fantastic and I don’t know why.

So if you wonder why I’m not available April 5th, 2011?  Well, this probably has a lot to do with it.