Some Nicknames Suck, Others Don’t.

Attempting to watch the NBA Playoffs is painful because it reminds me of better days. Days when Seattle still had a franchise, I was still young and optimistic, and sports had less crappy nicknames.

This was going to be a long post about how lazy the media has become with doling out nicknames to players based on their initials and first syllable of their last name, but I’m pretty lazy myself, so I’ll just go with bullet points and commentary chock full of mockery.

• The Glove is awesome. The Glove is original. The Glove had meaning. The Glove is one of the most underrated nicknames in history.

• Black Mamba is terrible. So, he’s named after a super poisonous snake that basically no one has heard of? Why? Because he can strike quickly? Can’t all snakes strike quickly? I mean, except for Garter Snakes. Those things are like the Rasho Nesterovic of the reptile world. But seriously, Black Mamba? I mean, I get it. Kobe is black. Black Mamba. African Americans are black! ZOMG WE’RE SO CLEVER!

• When Alex Rodriguez was first dubbed “ARod”, it was actually pretty clever. It rolled off the tongue. Now every single athlete ever has a nickname consisting of the first letter of their first name and the first syllable of their last name. Does Richard Jefferson really need to go by RJeff? I think my all time favorite is Kenyon Martin. Yeah, let’s shorten our name to a department store who filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy! Weeee!

• I love Chris Paul, so I’ll forgive him CP3 (mainly because it actually sounds ok). When everyone’s least favorite member of the Big Two and a Half was still in Toronto, a lot of online basketball sites and magazines (I’m looking at you, SLAM) dubbed him “CB4″. You’re so original and ingenious! You took his initials, added his jersey number to it, and voila! NEW NICKNAME! Not to mention people will get the reference to the awesome movie with Chris Rock from ’93. Then they’ll think you’re even smarter. I see you, SLAM Magazine.

• I’m fine with calling LeBron “King”, but if you call him LBJ I want to stab your children in the eyes with rusty nails.

• While we’re at it, Tim Duncan’s “The Big Fundamental” might be the worst non initial/syllable nickname ever. It basically says “OMG I’M SO BORING BUT HEY, AT LEAST MY TECHNIQUE IS OK”

• Franklin Gutierrez: “Death to Flying Things”. So, so underrated. Thanks, Dave. We miss you.

• Walter Payton: “Sweetness”. Might be the best nickname ever.

• Willie Mays: “The Say Hey Kid.” Original, somewhat corny, but will undoubtedly stand the test of time.

• I was going to make fun of Shaq for his 5,000 nicknames, but let’s be real here. I love Shaq.

• Underrated Sonics Player Nickname: Sam Perkins. “Big Smooth.”

• George Gervin. “The Iceman.” That’s pretty sick.

• In the “so-terrible-it’s-actually-awesome” department, Tony Kukoc, “The Croatian Sensation”.

• I can’t, in good conscious, do a nickname post without mentioning Rod Smart. HE HATE ME.

• Randy Johnson gets bonus points for “Big Unit” also being his penis’ nickname.

• I may be in the vast minority here, but I’ve always hated Karl Malone. Therefore, “The Mailman” nickname can suck it. Also, they called him that because “he delivered.” I guess this only applied to his regular season career. Are the playoffs then Sundays?

• Also, “Franchise” was pretty clever for Steve Francis, but I hated Steve Francis. So this nickname can go to hell, too.

• I know everyone hated him, but I’m rather fond of Stephon Marbury’s “Starbury” moniker. It just confirms that he’s a huge douche. But a self aware douche.

• Not yet sure how I feel about “Durantula”. I kinda like it, but I kinda hate it. If he were still a Sonic I’m sure I’d love the shit out of it.

I had no real plan going into this post. Pointless, not well written, and mildly humorous. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WHEN L.A. NOIRE JUST CAME OUT AND I NEVER BLOG ANYMORE.

I totally left off some great nicknames (Sugar Shane, The Reign Man, etc) but I basically wanted to say that I hate Kobe’s nickname, and I think other nicknames suck. So you’ll only get this crappy thrown together post, and you’ll like it.

Now I’ll retreat back to my video game chair and play another 40 straight hours of Xbox.