The World Is Ending Very Soon.

Edit: I Googled “train wreck” and a picture of Amy Winehouse popped up. I shit you not. I laughed for a good 10 minutes.

Now, we all know the zombie apocalypse is coming. That much is definite. I mean, it’s just common knowledge. What we don’t know is when this catastrophe will take place. Some believe in December of 2012, others believe the release date of the inevitable Miley Cyrus sex tape. The end of the world, however, is coming much sooner than we all realize, and it’s because something beyond anything we can fathom happening actually happened:

I didn’t win my Fantasy Baseball league this year.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

For the first time in the history of the league, yours truly was not crowned league champ. I can blame it on injuries (and I do, oh do I ever blame it on injuries), but the truth of the matter is, everyone has to deal with injuries. Everyone gets lucky with a pickup or a late draft pick (thanks for keepin’ me close, Lance Berkman!). I managed the shit out of my team this year, and second is all I’ll have to show for it.

Hats off to Pat for finally bringing home that WWE Championship Belt. Pat has finished 2nd in baseball 3 times, 2nd in basketball twice, and second in football twice. He’s the dictionary definition of a bridesmaid. This year, Pat got engaged to his long-time girlfriend. Then he wins the championship finally? I see no coincidence, and can only shake my fist at the fantasy Gods as I, too, have recently made it official with my long-time girlfriend.

So, whatever I guess. I have to act like a gentleman and like this doesn’t bother me, but I won’t be able to sleep for the next year. I WANT MY GOD DAMNED SPINNER BELT BACK, PAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH.

Fuck you, Chase Utley, for being too good not to holdover, but taking longer to come back from injury and then sucking. Fuck you, Ryan Zimmerman, for hitting all of 12 home runs this year and also being hurt. Fuck you, Joe Mauer, for being a fucking dick and getting hurt when I drafted you instead of going with my gut and waiting for Brian McCann (who Pat drafted). Fuck you, Mike Stanton, for having one awesome month, and a bunch of shitty months. Fuck you, David Price, for not anchoring my pitching staff like I had hoped you would.

A special fuck you to Pat’s entire team, who went bananas this year. Most notably though, a HUGE fuck you to Curtis Granderson, who wound up being the 2nd best player in our league. Also, fuck you Alex Gordon, for killing it out of nowhere with 3B eligibility.

I fucking hate everyone and I fucking hate everything. You may all be thinking “Good for Pat, he took down a giant. He was a team — a man — of destiny. He trumped the Dynasty.” To that I say FUCK YOU. Winning once is nice. But me? I’ve won FIVE TIMES. It’s like a fucking drug, and I NEED that title. I NEED to be the champion. I NEED to talk shit to Don. Although, come to think of it, his team was horrible again, so I can still talk shit. BUT I NEED THAT TITLE LIKE CASEY ANTHONY‘S KID NEEDED A BABYSITTER.

Sigh. Until next year, fuck you all, fuck fantasy sports, and fuck baseball.