Hollywood: The Good, The Bad, & The Kristen Stewart.

At this point, you know the drill. I should be studying, but I am a terrible student. Instead, I bring you news of cinematic films before they get released into theaters. I mean, if you didn’t read my blog, how would you ever get the inside scoop on anything? I have so many god damned connections.

• Ryan Reynolds and Denzel Washington are doing a movie about a former CIA agent who went rogue (Washington) in South Africa called Safe House. It looks pretty fucking awesome.

• For some reason, there are two different, non-related Snow White movies coming out next year. The first is called Mirror, Mirror and it stars The Blind Side‘s Lily Collins and Julia Roberts as the Queen (for reals?). This is the traditional up-beat lovey dovey fantasy fairy tale. The other is called Snow White & the Huntsman, and it’s supposed to be dark and gritty. The only problem? Kristen Stewart is playing Snow White, and apparently she’s in full armor with a sword? God dammit, Hollywood. Stop trying to make her happen. She’s gross. Thor Chris Hemsworth is playing the Huntsman, but they’re making him a sort of good guy? What? Isn’t the Huntsman supposed to be a villain? I thought he was the Queen’s right-hand-man-who-also-doubles-as-a-sex-slave? I guess not. Thanks for ruining everything, Bella.

• Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are going to star in an action/comedy called This Means War. When I first heard about it, it sounded dumb. Then I saw the trailer. Now I really, really want to see it. Both are total dreamboats (don’t lie, you thought so too) and how Reese Witherspoon isn’t a leading lady in more movies is beyond me. Extremely underrated in the looks department, and a pretty damn good actress to boot.

• The Rock is pretty much my favorite person ever. He was amazeballs in Fast Five (you simply cannot disagree with me on that), and he’s in the midst of making GI Joe 2. While I think that movie will suck, I’ll still see it anyway because, hey, Rock. I quasi enjoyed the remake of Journey to the Center of the Earth because it was cheesy and I like fantasy stories like that, but oh man is Brendan Fraser awful. In Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, Dwyane Johnson takes over for Fraser as he, along with the returning Josh Hutcherson, look for Atlantis. Michael Caine plays his weird grandfather, but Michael Caine is awesome. Also, Vanessa Hudgens is in this, but I’m not sure if she’s sexting or not. (Relevant jokes!)

• So, they’re making Taken 2. Normally, I’d be all over this shit, because Liam Neeson was so fucking fantastic in Taken, and it just kicked all sorts of ass. However, the plot of the sequel will have Neeson and former wife Famke Janssen (who, yeah, hot) as the ones who are kidnapped, and his daughter’s boyfriend is the one to save them. It’s certainly different and interesting, I’ll give them that. Perhaps this will be after Neeson helps talk him through stuff? I dunno. I have a hard time picturing Neeson tied up for 2 hours waiting to be saved by the guy finger blasting his daughter. I’ve been wrong before, though.

• They want to make a “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” movie. And they want to cast Jennifer fucking Lopez as Carmen Sandiego. Welp, at least the world is ending in 2012.

• There’s a movie in production being called Lawless. Horrible Xena related title aside, it’s set in the 1930s, and stars Christian Bale, Ryan Gosling, and Cate Blanchett. Um, yes please. I love tommy guns and fedoras.

• ZOMG THEY’RE MAKING AN ASSASSIN’S CREED MOVIE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

• They’re remaking Robocop, and it’s going to be an origin story. Somewhere, Jack Bauer shoots a man’s wife in the leg.

• I wish I were joking, but I’m not: they’re making a Where’s Waldo? movie. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE, HOLLYWOOD.

• I’ll end with some happy news. There are two, count ‘em two Linda Lovelace movies currently in production. The one that is probably going to get more hype is starring Amanda Seyfried. If you don’t know who Lovelace is, Google “Deep Throat porn movie”. Yep. The infamous adult film about not having a fucking gag reflex is being made into two actual Hollywood movies. The other should star Malin Ackerman. All I know is if there’s a movie centered around a broad who gives BJs for a living, I’m there. Hopefully this movie … *sunglasses* … doesn’t suck. (Dodges tomatoes, makes farting noises with armpits, runs off stage)