WrestleMania 28 Recap.

#BootstoAsses

WrestleMania 28 took place last night in Miami, FL. It is pro wrestling’s biggest stage, and the show has been hyped as the biggest ‘Mania of all time for the past year. It delivered. Bullet point recap, here we come.

• The very first match of the evening was Daniel Bryan defending his World Heavyweight Championship against Royal Rumble winner Sheamus. I expected Sheamus to win, but not in the fashion he did. The entire match lasted literally 18 seconds, and broke the record for quickest title match ever. Bryan asked for a sort of time out to start the match, as he wanted to get a good luck kiss from his girlfriend AJ. After she jumped off the apron, Bryan turned around and Sheamus almost kicked his face off with a Brogue Kick. 1, 2, 3. That fucking fast. A lot of internet smarks were super pissed because they want to fellate Bryan Danielson, but I’m ok with it. It wasn’t a squash match, even though that’s what everyone is calling it. A squash match would have lasted like a minute or two with Sheamus getting 90% of the offense in and no selling Bryan’s offense. This was not that. Instead, Bryan gets to keep his arrogant dick character and take this loss out on AJ for distracting him. He doesn’t look weak at all. He held the title for four months. Think about it this way: if you were a wrestler, and wrestling wasn’t scripted, would you wait around for Bryan to get settled, or would you attempt to hit your finisher right away and use the least amount of effort possible? I enjoy being genuinely surprised. I was genuinely surprised. I was mad at first because I love wrestling, and Bryan is a great wrestler. I’m ok with this, though, because it adds a different dimension to both Sheamus and Bryan’s characters.

• Randy Orton jobbed cleanly to Kane. I have nothing to add. I was literally speechless.

• Kelly Kelly is the worst female wrestler I’ve ever seen and I wish she would go the fuck away. Having your Divas Champion eat the pin from the host of Extra is stupid and why no one cares about the Divas anymore.

• Big Show beating Cody Rhodes for the Intercontinental Championship was pretty cool. Show started crying and hugging the belt like it actually means something again, which I love. The Intercontinental Championship is my favorite title ever, so bringing prestige back to it is amazing. Show has now won every singles title the current version of WWE has to offer — WWE Championship, World Heavyweight, United States, and now IC. He’s also a multiple time Tag Team champ and former Hardcore Champion. The only belt he never won was the old European Title. I love Big Show because he’s always about what’s best for business. He’s made a career of putting younger guys over, and it’s cool to give him this moment. Plus, I don’t think it hurts Cody Rhodes at all.

• Before the show, Primo & Epico retained their Tag Titles against the Usos and the new team of Justin Gabriel and Tyson Kidd. The match wasn’t super long, but it was fun. I want them to revitalize the Tag Team division. It used to be really cool. Now it sucks.

• The Undertaker/HHH Hell in a Cell match was pretty great. It was slow and prodding in some spots, but they’re in their mid 40s and broken. For what it was, it was super enjoyable. For a minute, I actually thought HHH was going to end the streak. ‘Taker is now 20-0 at ‘Mania. Side note: I absolutely love when guys kick out of finishers. I know it’s going to happen, but I still mark out hardcore. That’s why this match was fun. Super Kick into a Pedigree and ‘Taker kicked out. Crowd went nuts for that.

• Team Johnny predictably won vs. Team Teddy. Thank God. I hate Teddy Long and his ridiculous ridiculousness.

• CM Punk retained his WWE Championship in the best match of the night. Chris Jericho is my favorite wrestler ever, so I was actually rooting for him to beat Punk. Plus, it would give this feud an excuse to continue. The match had more counters than I can remember in a match, and was fantastically played by both parties. Seeing the old school version of Jericho’s finishing maneuver — The Lion Tamer — instead of a watered down Walls of Jericho made myself and everyone else freak out. Seeing Jericho reverse a top rope Hurricanrana from Punk into the Walls was fucking phenomenal. He also countered a GTS into the Walls and hit a few Codebreakers out of nowhere. Punk made him tap out with the Anaconda Vice which helps cement Punk as the top guy in the company not named Cena. Jericho putting Punk over here makes sense, but it’s also a little sad because I don’t want this feud to end. It doesn’t really have a reason to continue anymore because Punk already beat Jericho cleanly. There’s no reason for a rematch.

• Rock/Cena was a horrible in ring match, but I loved the finish so much that I don’t even care. Rock didn’t look rusty, but he looked gassed about 10 minutes into the match. Cena is fine in ring when he has someone carry him like Punk did at Money in the Bank, but when he has to carry the other guy, he looks exceptionally bad. Rock is sort of the same way, and these two had zero chemistry in ring. The thing that bothered me was Cena was attempting to out-muscle Rock, but Rock is bigger than Cena. It didn’t make sense. The ending was fucked up because Cena didn’t jump at the right time and almost botched the Rock Bottom. Rock winning cleanly made everyone lose their fucking minds, though. I jumped up and down screaming “HOLY SHIT!!” and picked up Mrs. Kyle in celebration. She did not appreciate that one bit.

• Overall, I think it was a really good show. Usually, I dislike paying $50 for a PPV (and $65 for ‘Mania) but I feel like I got my monies worth. Pretty excited for all the new storylines that developed. Where will Cena go from here now that he lost to a part timer? Where will Jericho go from here now that he can’t claim he’s the Best in the World? Where will Triple H go now that he can’t beat ‘Taker? Raw tonight is going to be fun. Sometimes I hate pro wrestling because it’s so stupid and cheesy. Other times I love it for the same reasons. Last night was a perfect mixture of over-the-top campiness and serious wrestling, and I enjoyed it very much.