MOVIE REVIEW: The Ides of March.

February 7, 2012 by Leave a comment

I could talk about The Ides of March‘s script, or the plot, or even the acting. Instead, here’s my six word review:

This is a very handsome movie.

 

Ryan Gosling, better known as Baby Goose, is the star of this political drama about morals and secrets. George Clooney wrote, directed, and co-starred. Mrs. Kyle was all like, “I don’t care what’s happening. Look at all that man candy.”

They’re not pieces of meat, you know. They have names. And feelings.

Anyway, the movie plays out like you’d expect a George Clooney written movie about politics to. Pro gay marriage, anti religion (sorta), all about helping the lower class, yada yada yada. I found his character pretty interesting as a Presidential candidate because there’s absolutely no way a candidate who says “I’m not Christian, but I’m not aethiest, either” would win anything. Our stupid, stupid country loves God way too much to ever vote for some heathen who doesn’t admit to loving Jesus. George Clooney was pretty much playing himself if he ran for President. Which … ok, whatever. Sure, why the fuck not.

The movie itself was expertly acted by Gosling, Clooney, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Paul Giamatti, and Evan Rachel Wood. Gosling is the main character, and a media darling. He was the uber talented young up-and-comer on Clooney’s staff, and then he uncovered a secret that would change the course of human history.

Or something like that.

I enjoyed the movie, don’t get me wrong. I just feel like all political dramas are either “PROTEST WAR, I AM LIBERAL” or “MOAR GUNZ, I CAN HAZ BIBLE” and I don’t really care. I hate politics. Talking about politics makes everyone an asshole. I think this movie is worth watching, but let’s not kid ourselves, it’s basically 2 hours of Clooney’s political ideas. I’m liberal and even I saw through it. Hell, I agreed with a lot of it. I just don’t really care.

Rent, Buy, or Avoid:

Rent. Buy if it’s under $15.

Overall ratings:

8 out of 10.

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MOVIE REVIEW: Warrior.

January 24, 2012 by 1 Comment

I’ve had this in my Drafts folder for a few weeks now, but I’m just now getting around to finishing it. Get off my back, alright? Sheesh. The life of a blogger is tough. Plus there’s no natural sunlight here in the confines of my mom’s basement.

I was trying to write some lengthy, well thought out review. I quickly gave up. I don’t know how to write a ton about movies without giving away key plot points and revealing spoilers. So instead, I’ll keep my reviews short and to the point. Here goes …

If I were a “movie critic” quote whore, like say, Pete Hammond, I might call this movie “Superb, intense, moving” or “Packs a powerful punch of emotion” or “Spellbinding, grips you and never lets go”. But alas, I am not one of those people whose quotes end up on the preview or cover art. I’m just a simple dude. A simple, handsome dude.

Warrior is a movie which centers around the sport of Mixed Martial Arts, but, much like Moneyball, uses it as a backdrop to tell a different story altogether. Two estranged brothers each enter an MMA tournament whose prize is $5 million dollars. Each needs the money for different reasons, and you want both to win. Nick Nolte, in his first real role in as long as I can remember, is fantastic as the former alcoholic father to both Tommy and Brendan. Tommy, played by Tom Hardy, is a giant ball of rage. He hates his father, he hates his brother, he hates the world. He has a lot of anger, and MMA seems to be the perfect outlet. Brendan, played expertly by Joel Edgerton, is a high school physics teacher. He is a former UFC fighter, but retired due to multiple factors, including fatherhood. Brendan gets suspended from his teaching position by the school’s superintendent for taking part in a small MMA fight. With almost no money coming into the house, Brendan decides to return to the cage and make some money fighting.

Throughout all of this, we learn both Tommy and Brendan have a terrible upbringing, and each have issues with how their father behaved. Warrior felt very much like last year’s The Fighter, and I absolutely loved that movie, too. Dark, gritty, emotional, and fantastically acted. (How’s that for a quote, Pete?)

Rent, Buy, or Avoid:

Buy. 100x buy.

Overall rating:

9 out of 10.

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A Battleship Movie? Really?

December 11, 2011 by Leave a comment

Oh what the fuck. They’re making one of the best board games ever into a movie. How? How the fuck is that even possible? Battleship the game is awesome, and takes a lot of guess work. It’s easy, and I’m sure we’ve all played many, many times. So how is that supposed to translate to the big screen?

Oh ok. A shit ton of CGI and robot noises, courtesy of Michael Bay (ok, Michael Bay didn’t direct it, but still, his fingerprints are all over this piece of shit). The best part? They had a budget of $200 million. TWO HUNDRED MILLION. I bet they wrote the script on the back of a cocktail napkin.

“Aliens. Explosions. Slow-motion. Hot chicks. Never-give-up attitude.”

Fuck I hate Hollywood.

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The Walking Dead Sucks.

December 6, 2011 by 5 Comments

 

I’ve been thinking about this for a while. When the show first started, I totally dug it. A post-apocalyptic zombie infested world is an awesome canvas to create good TV, but after the mid-season finale last week, I realized something:

I do not care about this show at all anymore.

The main problem with the show is how you absolutely feel nothing for any of the characters. The key to any great show — 24, Dexter, Fringe, Breaking Bad — is how invested you get in what happens to the characters. Dexter is amazing because he’s always on the brink of getting caught. 24 was great because we knew Jack Bauer would figure out some way to kill everyone. The Walking Dead has a cast full of people I could not care less about.

So Shane shot a dude in the leg to save himself. Is that supposed to make me dislike Shane? Is that supposed to make me like Shane? So now Lori is pregnant. Who the fuck cares? Rick is supposed to be the leader of this group of nomads, but when the show attempts to make him remorseful and always wanting to do right by people, he actually comes off as soft and indecisive.

I don’t care that Andrea’s sister died in Season 1. I don’t care that she’s crazy. I think she’s fucking dumb and almost killed Darryl because she wanted to show she was one of the guys, and then she cries when Shane is trying to show her how tough it actually is when you’re surrounded by zombies? Her whole deal was “don’t treat me like a girl” and the moment Shane yelled at her, she cried and ran away. Way to not buy into gender stereotypes, AMC.

Another reason the show sucks is because, holy shit can you get any slower? Like, I get it. The show is about the survival, and not the escape. Most zombie movies are all about getting out, and getting somewhere safe. The Walking Dead, however, is about surviving another day. There is no place safe, only safer. So I understand there will be lulls, as not every day will be thrilling or terrifying or even kind of exciting. But do you need to spend almost the entire season looking for a little girl who is probably dead?

One of the reasons we can look at a show like The Walking Dead and criticize it so much is because, unlike Dexter or Breaking Bad or Fringe, we can actually imagine ourselves in this situation. The thought of zombies is science fiction, but the thought of a Mad Max-esq post-apocalyptic world doesn’t seem too far fetched. For me, anyway, I watch the show with a “well, what would I do in this situation?” interest, and when the characters do something incredibly stupid like have sex in the middle of a pharmacy, I think, are you fucking serious? Yeah, let’s just get naked and bone right here, right now. Zombies are everywhere, but screw it. I need to get my swerve on.

Shane brings up how there’s no way Sophia is alive. He mentions that after 48 hours, the chances are very slim, and that’s in the normal, non-zombie infested world. He gets shot down for not having a heart. Are you joking? Fucking god. She’s dead. There’s no way she’s not dead or a zombie.

Finally, I dislike how hipster the show has become. If you like a show I dislike, that’s totally fine. I think Breaking Bad is a good show, but some people swear by it like it’s a religion. Breaking Bad is not the best show on TV. It’s not even in the Top 5. But that’s just my opinion. It doesn’t make me wrong, and it doesn’t make you wrong if you think it’s far and away the best. The problem with fans of the Walking Dead (and AMC fans, in general, ie Mad Men, Breaking Bad) is they, by and large, scoff at you and think you’re stupid if you “don’t get” their show. Any time anyone says “best show on TV, there is no argument” it bothers me. I’m willing to listen to why you think The Walking Dead is great, but come up with actual reasons rather than “I love it and if you don’t like it, you’re dumb”. I heard someone actually say “people just need to relax more, do you realize how much hard work goes into a show or movie?” and it made me vomit. Is that what we’ve come to? We have to like stuff now because the people who work on the show have difficult jobs?

The Walking Dead should be an amazing show. It’s not. It started out very promising, and since then, has been nothing but slow and shitty. Zero character development, tons of irrational decisions, no interesting story progression. I want the show to succeed. I’m done watching, though, because they’ve given me zero reason to stay invested.

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Hollywood: The Good, The Bad, & The Kristen Stewart.

November 11, 2011 by 3 Comments

Lawyer'd.

At this point, you know the drill. I should be studying, but I am a terrible student. Instead, I bring you news of cinematic films before they get released into theaters. I mean, if you didn’t read my blog, how would you ever get the inside scoop on anything? I have so many god damned connections.

  • Ryan Reynolds and Denzel Washington are doing a movie about a former CIA agent who went rogue (Washington) in South Africa called Safe House. It looks pretty fucking awesome.
  • For some reason, there are two different, non-related Snow White movies coming out next year. The first is called Mirror, Mirror and it stars The Blind Side‘s Lily Collins and Julia Roberts as the Queen (for reals?). This is the traditional up-beat lovey dovey fantasy fairy tale. The other is called Snow White & the Huntsman, and it’s supposed to be dark and gritty. The only problem? Kristen Stewart is playing Snow White, and apparently she’s in full armor with a sword? God dammit, Hollywood. Stop trying to make her happen. She’s gross. Thor Chris Hemsworth is playing the Huntsman, but they’re making him a sort of good guy? What? Isn’t the Huntsman supposed to be a villain? I thought he was the Queen’s right-hand-man-who-also-doubles-as-a-sex-slave? I guess not. Thanks for ruining everything, Bella.
  • Chris Pine and Tom Hardy are going to star in an action/comedy called This Means War. When I first heard about it, it sounded dumb. Then I saw the trailer. Now I really, really want to see it. Both are total dreamboats (don’t lie, you thought so too) and how Reese Witherspoon isn’t a leading lady in more movies is beyond me. Extremely underrated in the looks department, and a pretty damn good actress to boot.
  • The Rock is pretty much my favorite person ever. He was amazeballs in Fast Five (you simply cannot disagree with me on that), and he’s in the midst of making GI Joe 2. While I think that movie will suck, I’ll still see it anyway because, hey, Rock. I quasi enjoyed the remake of Journey to the Center of the Earth because it was cheesy and I like fantasy stories like that, but oh man is Brendan Fraser awful. In Journey 2: The Mysterious Island, Dwyane Johnson takes over for Fraser as he, along with the returning Josh Hutcherson, look for Atlantis. Michael Caine plays his weird grandfather, but Michael Caine is awesome. Also, Vanessa Hudgens is in this, but I’m not sure if she’s sexting or not. (Relevant jokes!)
  • So, they’re making Taken 2. Normally, I’d be all over this shit, because Liam Neeson was so fucking fantastic in Taken, and it just kicked all sorts of ass. However, the plot of the sequel will have Neeson and former wife Famke Janssen (who, yeah, hot) as the ones who are kidnapped, and his daughter’s boyfriend is the one to save them. It’s certainly different and interesting, I’ll give them that. Perhaps this will be after Neeson helps talk him through stuff? I dunno. I have a hard time picturing Neeson tied up for 2 hours waiting to be saved by the guy finger blasting his daughter. I’ve been wrong before, though.
  • They want to make a “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” movie. And they want to cast Jennifer fucking Lopez as Carmen Sandiego. Welp, at least the world is ending in 2012.
  • There’s a movie in production being called Lawless. Horrible Xena related title aside, it’s set in the 1930s, and stars Christian Bale, Ryan Gosling, and Cate Blanchett. Um, yes please. I love tommy guns and fedoras.
  • ZOMG THEY’RE MAKING AN ASSASSIN’S CREED MOVIE!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
  • They’re remaking Robocop, and it’s going to be an origin story. Somewhere, Jack Bauer shoots a man’s wife in the leg.
  • I wish I were joking, but I’m not: they’re making a Where’s Waldo? movie. YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE, HOLLYWOOD.
  • I’ll end with some happy news. There are two, count ‘em two Linda Lovelace movies currently in production. The one that is probably going to get more hype is starring Amanda Seyfried. If you don’t know who Lovelace is, Google “Deep Throat porn movie”. Yep. The infamous adult film about not having a fucking gag reflex is being made into two actual Hollywood movies. The other should star Malin Ackerman. All I know is if there’s a movie centered around a broad who gives BJs for a living, I’m there. Hopefully this movie … *sunglasses* … doesn’t suck. (Dodges tomatoes, makes farting noises with armpits, runs off stage)

Gratuitous boobs.

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REVIEW: Gears of War 3.

November 1, 2011 by Leave a comment

Two video game reviews in a row? Man, I sure know how to blog about what’s relevant. I have no idea why it took me so long to post this review, but I guess better late than never.

Gears of War 3 was the most anticipated game of 2011, and it did not disappoint. The final chapter in the epic trilogy of Marcus Fenix concludes in a harrowing manner that sticks with you for days after you finish playing it. A game’s storyline has never made me speechless … until now. Where the campaign isn’t painstakingly long (I beat it in roughly 12 hours), it’s still well done and keeps tugging at you for a long time after.

If you think the campaign is too short, fear not. I could literally spend hundreds of hours playing this game and not be 100% complete. The addition of a few modes turned this game into a Game of the Year candidate.

  • Arcade Mode: It’s just like the normal campaign, but with XP for multiplayer. For those non gamers, XP stands for experience points, and is what allows you to level up. Leveling up takes a while, so given the ability to replay the campaign and gain valuable XP? Genius move by EPIC.
  • Beast Mode: Horde Mode is still Gears’ bread and butter. They’re the ones who championed the “wave after wave of bad guys come at you until you beat it or die” thing that other games like Call of Duty try to do (but do less well). In Beast Mode, you get to be a member of the Locusts. Basically, it’s Horde Mode in reverse. You choose your bad guy and try to kill humans. The best part of the entire game might be smashing fortifications as an almost blind Beserker.
  • Horde Mode: This mode is the reason to buy Gears. You play in teams up to five players (but can play solo, as I have on many occasions) and try to defeat 50 waves of Locust who get stronger each wave. Every tenth level is a “Boss” level, and each of these contains a boss type baddie (Gunker, Beserker, Brumak, etc). The big difference between Horde in Gears 3, however, is the addition of fortifications and money. As you kill more Locust and Lambent, you get money. After each wave, you get a 30 second break to buy or upgrade fortifications. From barriers like simple caltrops to laser fences, you can barricade yourself in an area. Decoys fool the Locust into firing at it instead of you, and give your team a chance to kill a bunch of unsuspecting villains with a Frag Grenade or two. Turrets start off inaccurate and unable to take much damage, but eventually become armored Troikas, which are extremely deadly. Sentry Guns allow you to waste any enemy who comes within its proximity. Finally (and most expensively), a Silverback is a sort of robotic exo suit equipped with machine guns and rockets. When you get further up in the mid 30s and 40s, the Silverback can be a huge difference maker in dealing with the larger enemies who take more ammunition to destroy. Basically, Horde Mode is the shit.
  • Ribbons & Medals: Another cool addition is a very arcade like rewards system that gives you Ribbons for killing in certain ways (I headshotted someone with the Torque Bow, it exploded and killed another guy behind him. Two with one shot) and for accomplishing certain feats (such as 10+ kills and no deaths for an entire match). The medals give you tons of XP, and they take so long to get that you absolutely will not get bored any time soon.

One negative, though, is public Team Deathmatch. I absolutely loathe how it’s almost exclusively people whose only talents are rolling out of the way and using the shotgun to kill you. I emptied an entire clip into a guy as he was trying to evade me, and one shot from his Sawed-Off from ~20 feet away destroyed me. It doesn’t make sense, and I only ever play public (“ranked”) TDM if there’s a special Gears Event happening. My favorite event thus far has been Torque Bow Tag. The Torque Bow, for those who don’t know, is an explosive bow & arrow. It’s pretty amazing, and probably one of my favorite weapons in any video game ever. Torque Bow Tag made it so everyone spawned with only a Torque Bow and a pistol, and all the weapon spawns were Torque Bows. So, instead of having douchey 13-year-olds rolling out of the way and shot gunning me to death, they had to actually aim with a weapon that’s difficult to use (not a lot of people use the Torque Bow, so I was at an advantage for once). It was really fun, and I look forward to more events like these.

Other than ranked being impossible to enjoy for non shotgun users, Gears 3 is near perfect. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve played with my brother and his two friends on Horde, Beast, or going through the campaign on Co-Op. The game also features the ability to play four player Co-Op for the campaign. This makes beating the game on Insane Difficulty so much easier.

Overall, I absolutely love this game. Of my Big Three that were coming out this fall (Gears 3, Batman: Arkham City, Assassin’s Creed: Revelations), I was looking forward to Gears the least. That’s not to say I wasn’t looking forward to it, because I still pre-ordered it. I was getting it because I knew it would be fun, and would hold me over for the month until Batman came out. I beat Arkham City in two days and put Gears back in my Xbox.

I don’t know what will happen when Revelations comes out in two weeks, because I’ve honestly never been this anxious for a game to hit shelves. I do know that I won’t stop playing Gears 3 anytime soon, though. This game is amazing, and deserves the highest of praise.

9.5 out of 10.

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REVIEW: Batman: Arkham City.

October 19, 2011 by 2 Comments

First, I want to apologize to Gears of War 3 for not reviewing it. Gears hit shelves over a month ago, and I haven’t been able to put it down. It’s a fantastic game that deserves its own review, and I’ll get to that next week. I just came off of an Arkham City drinking binge, though, and I need to write now while I’m still Batman intoxicated.

Batman: Arkham City is not a game you simply play; rather, it’s a game you completely immerse yourself in, and become Batman. As a follow up to one of the best games I’ve ever played in Batman: Arkham Asylum, I (along with gamers everywhere) had lofty expectations for the Dark Knight’s latest adventure. Rocksteady took everything that was great about Arkham Asylum and expanded on it.

Instead of being confined to a small island that houses Arkham Asylum, you’re now behind the walls of a massive maximum security super-prison that encompasses a huge chunk of Gotham City. Professor Hugo Strange is in charge, and former Arkham warden Quincy Sharp is now mayor of Gotham. While I sort of have a problem calling it open-world, it’s just a nit-pick from an otherwise fantastic game.

I beat the game last night (actually, this morning, at like 5am). I played the main storyline almost exclusively, and finished in about 15 hours. The sheer amount of things left to do is incredible. I’m a sucker for easter eggs, and there’s plenty. I’m a sucker for trophy challenge type stuff, and the Riddler Trophies return with over 400 (!) spread across the city. I’m a sucker for the combat free-flow, because it’s probably the most fun I’ve ever had in a fighting game.

The addition of Catwoman was fantastic. Not only is she hot (thanks nerds who made the game!) but she’s super agile. I mean, the way she saunters around in skin tight leather with her tits hanging out is great. But the way she can climb on ceilings and pounce on enemies is awesome. I actually think I enjoyed her missions more than Batman’s. Her addition was a fantastic choice.

The negatives are definitely there, but I feel like the positives outweigh them handily. I finished the game, and all I could think of was what I didn’t like. I had some time to think about it, though, and I can’t wait to finish this review so I can keep playing. I’m nowhere near done with the Riddler trophies, and I have a lot of achievements to unlock.

Some of the villains feel thrown in for being thrown in’s sake. I certainly enjoyed the character bios from Arkham Asylum, and learning about lesser known villains like Maxie Zeus, Prometheus, and the Mad Hatter. But do we really need to involve them in this game? I don’t know. It sort of felt like they were trying to give us the most bang for our buck, but it wound up feeling like sensory overload. That’s really my only complaint. That, and gliding. Gliding takes a little getting used to, as I kept dive-bombing instead of just gliding, but once you get the hang of it, it’s way better than just gliding. So, really, my problem with the game is it feels a little forced storyline wise, and probably has too much content.

Seriously guys, my complaint is that the game has too much content?

Overall, I still really, really enjoyed this game. It’s a game I won’t stop playing anytime soon. It had the daunting task of following a game I called “the best I’ve ever played”, and it did so magnificently.

9 out of 10.

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Movie Bullet Points, Y’all.

October 13, 2011 by Leave a comment

oreally?

I usually enjoy writing some witty little intro paragraph here, but fuck it. I’ve been studying all week and I just don’t care. Here’s some movie news I thought y’all should know about.

  • Die Hard 5 is in the works, currently. Yes, this is actually going to happen. The 5th installment will star Bruce Willis as everyone’s favorite man’s man, John McLane. The plot will revolve around the elder McLane going to Russia to rescue his son, John McLane, Jr. Maybe it’s just me, but when I hear “John McLane, Jr.” I automatically think back to the cartoon “James Bond, Jr.” JAMES BOND, JR. CHASES SCUUUUUUUUUUUM, AROUND THE WORLD. But for serious, guys, the title was just revealed: It’s a Good Day to Die Hard. I am not making that up.
  • Javier Bardem will play the villain in the newest Bond flick. After some worry about MGM going bankrupt (the company who produces the Bond movies), all is well in Hollywoodland. The release date for the 23rd Bond film is slated for sometime next November. There are rumors that the film will be called “Skyfall”, which could be awesome, or could give stupid critics a chance to pun the world to death. Either way, a Bardem-Daniel Craig combo sounds awesome and foreign-ly handsome.
  • The trailer for the new American Pie movie, American Reunion is out. I don’t really feel like posting it, because it’s literally just the same thing as the first three movies. Jim is jerking off into a tube sock and gets caught. Waka waka *armpit fart*. Rinse and repeat. Way to go., Hollywood.
  • Speaking of trailers …
  • Robert Downey, Jr. Chris Hemsworth. Chris Evans. Jeremy Renner. They shouldn’t call this movie The Avengers, they should call it Broodingly Handsome and Slightly Dangerous.

  • Everyone’s least favorite leading lady graced the cover of GQ. Um, gross. She’s not hot, media. Stop trying to make this awkward bitch seem attractive. She always looks like she has stomach cramps and can’t figure out if she needs to fart or poop. Quick, you’re stuck on a deserted island and have to have sex with one: Kristen Stewart, or Amy Winehouse? Jesus. I might just hang myself instead. Honestly though? I’d go with Winehouse. She’s dead, so she’ll talk back a whole lot less. (Plus, it makes the sex so much easier!)
  • I’ve had the draft of my Moneyball review sitting in my Saved Posts folder forever. Not sure when I’ll post it, but here’s a quick review: it was fucking fantastic.
  • So, this movie is going to be pretty amazing.
  • The sequel to the prequel, X-Men Origins: Wolverine is simply titled The Wolverine. Originally, it was set to be directed by Darren Aronofsky of Black Swan and The Wrestler fame. This was supposed to be Wolverine’s return to darkness, much like what Christopher Nolan did to Bruce Wayne in Batman Begins. Aronofsky dropped out due to other projects — most notably, a $100+ million dollar Noah’s Arc movie — and in stepped James Mangold (3:10 to Yuma, Walk the Line). I was one of the few people who enjoyed the latest Wolverine installment, but that’s because I’m pretty gay for Hugh Jackman. Seriously. I liked Swordfish, and I plan on seeing Real Steel. I’m that committed to this relationship. Anyways, Jackman said recently that this movie could be rated “R”. While that’s exciting, when you really think about it, it will never ever happen. There’s no way Marvel will release a comic book movie where young males will require the presence of a parent or guardian. It sucks, because if they let Aronofsky do what he wanted (he wanted over a year to film, and $100+ million, plus an “R” rating, though he would have settled for PG-13) the movie would have been amazing. He would have focused on Logan’s time in Japan learning from samurais, and who the hell wouldn’t watch that shit? Marvel wants the movie to be made in like two months, basically. Profit trumps art. This is why everyone hates Hollywood.
  • Michelle Williams is playing Marilyn Monroe. How? Michelle Williams two biggest accomplishments are 1) being on Dawson’s Creek and 2) having sex with Heath Ledger before he overdosed on the Olsen Twins prescription meds. She’s not attractive, and while she may be a fine actress, I want someone to play Marilyn Monroe who makes everyone want to fuck her. Seriously. Monroe is like the biggest sex symbol of all time, and you use Michelle fucking Williams to play her? Blech.
  • To finally end this long film-centered diatribe, everyone’s favorite awkward comedian, Steve Carell, will finally get his chance at drama. Jim Carrey tried and failed in the Truman Show (eh, kinda) and didn’t really try but really did fail in The Number 23. Carell has done dramedy before — Dan in Real Life was good, as was Crazy, Stupid, Love. — but this time, he’s going off the reservation. He’ll be playing the lead role in Foxcatcher, the true story of John DuPont. DuPont was a billionaire who loved amateur wrestling, and also happened to be a paranoid schizophrenic. He murdered a Gold-Medalist after the 1996 Olympics, and basically barricaded himself inside his family’s giant mansion/compound. The film will be directed by Bennett Miller who just directed Moneyball. I need to see a trailer before I make any real judgments, but I can’t really see Carell in anything but awkward romantic comedies. Good for him for trying, but I remain skeptical.

Have a good weekend, mofos!

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Enjoy Your Weekend with Random Movie Tidbits.

September 16, 2011 by 1 Comment

Shit.

That picture has nothing to do with anything. It just makes me laugh really, really hard.

I’m pretty much never going to blog with as much regularity as I once did. I’m just too god damned busy. I have a shit ton of school work, I have my CougCenter responsibilities, and now that Kelly and I are engaged, I’m looking at wedding shit when I should be playing Xbox or watching porn. It’s a tough life, but at least I still have all six of you who read this blog. Thanks, guys. You’re all the best.

  • Joseph Gordon-Levitt is basically my main dude. I’ll watch anything he’s in. I enjoy him so much, that I’m even going to watch a movie about him as a fucking bike messenger.
  • Tyler Perry is a giant piece of shit, because all he does is pander to the black community with shitty films about an old, stereotypical black lady. Tyler Perry is also apparently a genius, because he’s the highest paid person in Hollywood. From May 2010 to May 2011, Perry pulled in a staggering $130 million dollars. TYLER FUCKING PERRY, THE GUY WHO DID HOUSE OF PAYNE ON TBS, AND MADEU’S FAMILY REUNION, AND FOR COLORED GIRLS, MADE ONE HUNDRED THIRTY FUCKING MILLION IN ONE CALENDAR YEAR. This is why the the world is ending in 2012.
  • They’re remaking Point Break! Woooo! (My soul and spirit was already crushed the first time I watched the new Footloose trailer. I can’t get upset at the remakes anymore. At this point, they’re going to remake every movie ever made ever. Like, in a year, they’ll remake The Social Network and reboot the Transformers franchise. AND THERE’S NOT A SINGLE FUCKING THING WE CAN DO ABOUT IT.)
  • At what point do we take Sarah Jessica-Parker out back and just shoot her? Someone, please, put her out of her misery.
  • To the delight of everyone, Scarlett Johansson has nudie picks up on the interwebz. She got the FBI involved, saying someone hacked her computer. Tip for everyone who doesn’t want naked pics of themselves leaked on the internet: don’t take fucking naked pictures of yourself and then e-mail them to someone. There’s a 109% chance they get out, you big titted dummy. The only thing I’ll say about the pictures is, man, what a disappointment. There’s no denying the pics were of her, either. So the usual “they’re not me, they’re photoshopped!” won’t work. Now we know why Ryan Reynolds moved on.
  • Rumor has it that both Jean-Claude Van Damme and Chuck Norris will be joining the cast of Expendibles 2. Because, of course they are. Is Chris Tucker available? What about Jackie Chan? By god, where is Nick Nolte and why is he not in this?
  • You know what’s an underrated movie? Ocean’s 11. You know what’s not an underrated movie? Ocean’s 12.
  • They’re making another American Pie movie, but this time, it won’t go straight to DVD. The entire original cast is back for American Reunion, and apparently Henry Rowengartner has a beard now.
  • I watch a lot of movie trailers, and there was one in particular that had me interested. Richard Gere and Topher Grace are both just awful, but they are in a new movie called The Double. It actually looked kind of interesting until HOLY SHIT THEY JUST GAVE AWAY THE BIG TWIST AT THE END OF THE MOVIE IN THE FUCKING TRAILER. Are you kidding me? Gere is this FBI Agent who is hunting some notorious Russian assassin who is supposed to be dead, but comes back. Spoiler alert: it’s actually him. That 70′s Show is the one to find out, but this is the worst selling point in the history of cinema. Why the fuck does anyone need to see this movie now? You’ve given away the entire movie in your 2 minute trailer, asshole.
  • Helen Mirren is a really good looking older lady. There. I said it.
  • Johnny Depp is playing Hunter S. Thompson again, this time in The Rum Diary. The trailer looks moderately enjoyable, but really, it’s Johnny fucking Depp getting wasted on rum and hallucinogenic drugs. What’s not to love? Also, Amber Heard.

Have a good weekend, you sons of bitches.

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MOVIE REVIEW: Crazy Stupid Love.

September 13, 2011 by 4 Comments

I was going to blog about our trip to Florida and why Florida sucks, but I’ll get to that at another time. I just saw a trailer for Crazy Stupid Love on TV making me think to myself, “Oh yeah, we went and saw that movie last week. Huh.”

Romantic comedies don’t have to suck. Love, Actually and (500) Days of Summer are two that immediately come to mind. More often than not, though, the people making these movies pander to women who want to cry and feel lovey dovey rather than making a good movie (looking at you, Sex & the City 1 & 2). If your ultimate goal is to make money (it is), then why not do what Crazy Stupid Love did, and appeal to men as well? Women will see this regardless, but men will see it because Steve Carrell is funny.

Carrell basically plays the same character he always plays; the out-of-touch funny guy who ‘aww shucks’ his way into things. Insert Ryan Gosling as his mentor, and we’ve got a movie.

Carrell and his wife are going through a divorce. Gosling helps him cope by picking up chicks. Gosling, the ultimate womanizer, falls for the one chick who doesn’t fall for his tricks (Emma Stone). Along the way, Carrell realizes that all these empty interactions with women aren’t meaningful, and that he misses his wife. This plot isn’t groundbreaking by any stretch, but they still execute it fairly well. I’ll basically see anything with that handsome heartthrob Gosling in it, and Emma Stone is quickly becoming a fantastic and funny actress.

This movie does a great job of walking the “ok this is stupid but it’s still sort of endearing and pretty funny” line, and it does it well. I’m not sure we’ll buy this movie when it comes out on DVD, but I’m not saying we won’t buy it, either.

It’s probably worth a watch for the Dirty Dancing scene alone.

Overall, I enjoyed this movie, as it was more than the average snooze/cry-fest that ChickFlicks are today. I wouldn’t expect anything amazing from it, but I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how much you enjoyed it.

8 out of 10.

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